First Post In A While

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. And to be honest, I’ve been quite ashamed of how I’ve been doing, and I’ve also been having problems with my marriage. 

I got off my diet for a few weeks and made some not-so-good choices. For dinner I mostly still ate meat and veggies. I weighed myself at the beginning of last week just to see where I would be starting off at. I honestly expected it to say about 370 or so because I gain weight super fast and in high quantities. Like it doesn’t even make sense how much and how quickly I gain weight. Anyways. I looked down on the scale and it said 351.8…… 

Wait, what?

Yeah. 351.8. 2 pounds gained. That’s it? That’s all I gained over the last few weeks of not watching what I ate and eating things I shouldn’t? Hmm… Maybe my body doesn’t hate me. Maybe I didn’t make as many bad decisions as I thought I had. I didn’t think I had been exercising any more than usual. Lord knows my husband and I haven’t had any more sex than usual. (We’ve actually been having a lot less.) I had still been drinking mostly water every day. Maybe that helped? I don’t know. But I was very happy that the number was so low. I was still under my original starting weight by about 5 pounds. 

I decided I would start again this week. So I weighed myself Saturday morning, not sure what to expect. I looked down at the scale and it said 346.8.

Wait… WHAT??? 

346.8????

Holy shit!!! How did that even happen??? What did I do differently? I still ate the same meat and veggies at dinnertime. Maybe some cereal here and there for breakfast….Come to think of it, I didn’t really remember eating lunch too often. Maybe brunch because some days I wouldn’t eat my first meal until around 11:30 or so. I had been staying busy with editing pictures and keeping the house clean and whatnot so I didn’t really notice that I was hungry until I took a break. I had also started drinking some water that I had put fruits in. Pineapples and oranges. I made it a point to drink at least 4 bottles of that water a day for about 2 days. It wasn’t very tasty. It actually tasted like super watered down, not sweet juice. Like, pour a splash of juice in a cup, fill it the rest of the way up with ice, and let it melt. Then drink it. That’s what it tasted like. Yeah. I usually just tried to down the water as quickly as possible so I hopefully wouldn’t taste it. Then I would drink at least another 2 bottles of regular water in between. I wouldn’t let myself drink anything else until I got my daily goal of water intake down first. I don’t know if I’m going to continue with the fruit water because I drank 2 bottles of it today, and I’m feeling pretty nauseous. Of course this batch had cucumber in it so I don’t know if that contributed to the nausea or not. Either way I’m pretty excited about the 5 pounds down. I just hope I can keep it up. Luckily, we’re broke again so I can’t have my husband go to the store and buy me any candy, lol. 

Just another day in the life…

So I just typed an entire post, and I spell checked a word to see if I had it right, and when I went to backspace so I could correct the word, the entire post was deleted. So now I get to rewrite it…. Ugh. 

Anyways, today is Pay Day, and my husband’s check just hit the bank. $1,043… And all of it is going to bills.

$100 for electricity.
$120 for phone bill.
$200 for landlady.
$150 for new tire.
$200 for groceries.
$85 for gas. 
$30 for insurance. 

Incase you couldn’t add that up, or just didn’t want to, that’s $885. Gone. By the end of the day. And it sucks. Just once I’d love to be able to take his paycheck, book a hotel in Florida for 2-3 days, pack some clothes for us and the girls, hop in my truck and go. That’d be absolutely perfect. Especially since we never got our honeymoon.

In fact, my “honeymoon” consisted of my in-laws keeping the girls for a few days, coming home, consummating the marriage, eating leftover crawfish étouffée (gotta love living in Louisiana!), taking a nap, and then getting up and walking around Antique Alley for a while looking at the Christmas lights they had up. The next day we put up our Christmas tree. We had no money to go do anything. So we sat at home for the 2 days my husband took off work and watched movies. It was nice just having “us” time but it sucked not having any money to do anything. 

But, that’s the story of our lives. Not having any money. At this rate, I don’t see how we’ll ever afford to get a new house or a new vehicle, even though we’re seriously outgrowing this tiny 2 bedroom 1 bathroom trailer we live in and my truck is pretty much on its last leg. Hopefully we’ll be blessed with something though…

You know what I want to do right now? I want to go cyber shopping. I want to buy new fabric, new embellishments (for my hair accessories), a new swimsuit, some new shoes, and some workout clothes. That’s what I want to do with this money. But… that won’t happen. At least not until income tax time. 

Oh well though. That’s the life of being an adult. So I’ll just suck it up and deal with it. At least I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes on my back. lights, running water, and a comfy place to lay my head every night. I might complain a lot, but I really am grateful for everything I have. That doesn’t mean we can’t hope for improvement though! Lol. 

Trying.

So this morning I woke up at 5:30 and I felt pretty good. So I sat in bed and Facebooked for a few hours while watching my baby shows. At around 8 am I decided to get off my fat, cellulite covered butt and go for a walk. I got my Tone Ups shoes on, woke my girls up, got them dressed, put them in the stroller and headed out the door. 

I was super proud of myself for getting out and doing it. It got a little difficult after about 10 minutes so I had to slow my pace down a little. (The ole ticker was working pretty hard, and I was starting to feel nauseous.) I had to stop a few times, but I kept going. And 30 minutes later I was back at my house, feeling accomplished. =]

After I used the bathroom, I decided to weigh myself. I figured I’d have gained a few pounds because I had some sweets over the weekend (and I admit… I made and enjoyed some brownies last night), but to my surprise I had actually lost about a pound, putting me at 349 this week! I was so freaking ecstatic! 

I didn’t meet my goal of 2 pounds this week, but that’s okay. I still LOST something, and that’s what my main goal is. 

I don’t regret eating the brownies or any of the other goodies this past weekend because, as someone who has been on diets for most of her life, I know that if I continue to deny myself all the things that I love then I’ll wind up throwing in the towel and gaining all my weight back. I do wish I hadn’t had quite as much as I had (lol), but that’s okay. I’ll do better next time.

As for today, I’m still motivated and I’m still trying. And that’s all I can do is try.

❤ 

Had a Bad Day…

Today started out good, but it has turned horrible.

My hormones are going crazy lately, and I’ve been snapping at everyone, and to top that off the husband decided he didn’t want to finish the dishes so he left every single utensil in my house dirty and in the sink. So we wound up getting into a huge argument over that. Now my kids are doing everything they’re not supposed to do and screaming at the top of their lungs and just really driving me nuts. I just feel super stressed out right now, and I have no one to talk to about it. Seems like everyone is busy or just doesn’t want to talk to me. Idk.

I’m really trying hard not to go make something ooey gooey and delicious but it’s really hard not to. I’ve been craving sweets, chocolate, anything yummy, but I’ve been trying to stay away. I usually don’t turn to food for comfort (unless I’m bored), but I really want to make something. And I can’t. I don’t have the proper ingredients to make something sweet and healthy, and I don’t want any damn fruit.

To be honest, I just want to have a breakdown. I want to drown myself in alcohol and wake up when all the stress is gone. But I can’t do that. I have to suck it up and deal with it. Deal with the fact that we’re flat broke, but yet my darling husband has the money to constantly buy junk food and cokes and donuts and stuff like that but can’t afford to get me a loaf of wheat bread. Deal with the fact that everyone can sit here and try to tell me that healthy foods aren’t that much more expensive than regular food (Idk what they’re buying, but it’s definitely not what I buy), but they don’t want to help me get what I need for my family. Deal with the fact that my brothers never want shit to do with me until they need something. Deal with the fact that I really don’t have any friends anymore. Deal with the fact that I’m so used to being alone that when people do come stay with me I look forward to when they’ll be leaving so I can be alone again.

Wow, this took a turn for the worst. I think I’ll end this here before it gets even more depressing.

My body freaking hurts!

Omg! So, I finally got the exercise machine from my mom this afternoon (it’s called the Body Shop by Jillian Michaels), and it’s been kicking my butt!

And you know what?

I love it!!!

I have been working out all afternoon. I’ll take like 15 minute breaks and then I’m back on it. It really helps that Comcast has a show called Extreme Weight Loss onDemand right now, so every time I watch that it motivates me to get up and exercise. I think I exercised for about an hour total while watching 2 episodes. It’s really fun watching other people lose weight while I’m working out. I really hope it’ll continue being fun and help get these pounds off!

But as long as I’m at least losing one pound a week that’s all the really matters to me. As long as I’m losing every week and not gaining anything that’s what counts!

I’ll weigh myself next week and see how it works!

Why do donuts have to be soooo yummy??

Ok, so after the horrid experience on the scale Monday, I decided to weigh myself again Tuesday. And it said I had lost 4.6 pounds, putting me at 353.

Talk about excitement!!!

I was so happy! The exercising had paid off. 

Well, this morning, my husband comes home from work and tells me, “I brought you a donut and some chocolate milk. I know you’re supposed to be on a diet, but I didn’t want you to get mad at me for not bringing you some.” Which, he was right. Most of the time I would have been upset if hadn’t thought of me. But it sucked having it put right in my face and knowing I can’t have it. And chocolate milk is my favorite, but one cup of this has 220 calories and it just gets worse from there. Needles to say, I definitely couldn’t have that either. So, I just thanked him for thinking of me and then got up to go grocery shopping. 

When I got home and put everything away, I heard my daughters stirring in their bedroom so I figured I should go ahead and fix them breakfast. 

I look in the fridge and see the paper bag, so I grab it (thinking it’d be a good idea to go ahead and just get it out of the house before I give in to temptation and eat it myself). I look in the bag and it’s my 2 favorite things: a big cinnamon roll and a cinnamon twist. If that wasn’t bad enough, since it was in the fridge for 2 1/2 hours I had to heat it up. As I pull it out of the microwave, the smells hit me like a brick (I hadn’t had breakfast yet either). Sweet, ooey gooey cinnamony goodness. And I couldn’t touch it. Then I had to cut it up. I really really REALLY wanted to steal a bite, because it smelled soooooo yummy, but I didn’t.  I maintained control and didn’t even take a bit or even a little taste. I put their plates on the table, poured some of the chocolate milk into their cups, and opened their bedroom door so they could come eat.

I have to say that was one of the hardest things I’ve done so far, especially since I haven’t had anything sweet all week. 

 

It really sucks having to say no to all your favorite foods and having to settle for salads and fruits instead, especially when everyone around you gets to eat whatever they want and you just have to sit back and watch and smell. 

It’s torture! It really is. So I’m thinking that we all need to eat better, because I really don’t want my kids having the weight problems and going through what I went through growing up. And I want my husband around for a while. I’m sure this won’t go over well with my toddlers and my overgrown toddler (aka husband), but they’ll just have to get over it. 

After all, Mama does know best!

Weigh-In Day

It’s Monday, and as if I didn’t hate Mondays enough as it is, it’s also the day my husband starts his 12-hour graveyard shift at work.. 

AND!!!!!!

It’s the dreaded weigh-in day….

So I clean the house up a little bit while trying to decide when I want to weigh myself. Then I finally say, “Screw it,” and step on the evil scale and wait. 
After a few seconds I look down and see the horrible number that this evil sadistic scale has come up with to give me, and, honestly, I’m shocked. 

I’ve gained 3.6 pounds!!! 

I seriously wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe it. How did this happen? I don’t understand!! I got super discouraged and considered throwing in the towel. 

But then it was like something came over me, and I started thinking to myself, ‘That’s what you always do. You always throw in the towel. Not this time. Not again. You know why you gained weight. You know why that number is there. The scale didn’t mess up. YOU messed up. You ate cake and didn’t exercise afterwards. You had a coke. 10 calories or not it was still a soda and sodas aren’t good for you. But, most importantly you haven’t been exercising. That just means it’s time to work harder and EXERCISE. You can do this. You just have to make the effort.’

And that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to work harder. It’s a new week and a new start. I’m not giving up. Not now…. Hopefully not ever.  

People really have some nerve…

So my weekend has been wonderful. Friday night, Saturday night, and this evening I spent swimming at my mom’s and visiting with her and her boyfriend. It was extremely pleasant and actually fun. 

My husband and I were actually talking about how much fun we had this weekend when I decided to check my Facebook….

And that’s when it all went downhill….

 

Let me start from the beginning.

Last night, I went to my mom’s house and ate dinner with her. For dessert she had chocolate cake. Well, my aunt’s boyfriend, Dusty, went to get himself a piece, and my 14-month-old (Makayla) started eyeballing him and lunging for him. So I put her down, and he squatted down to give her a small bite of his cake. Well she walks over to him, looks at the little bite on the fork, looks up at him, looks back at the little bite, and then snatches his whole piece of cake off his plate and tries to shove it all in her mouth! 

Image

That’s freaking funny, isn’t it??!! 

I’m actually laughing now just thinking about it! 

Anyways, she eats the whole piece and her mouth is covered in chocolate icing, and she starts turning around in circles looking for the plate of cake, and we are all just roaring with laughter! 

Well, my aunt manages to get some pictures while I’m too busy standing in the corner laughing, and she sends them to me. So I upload the pictures to Facebook thinking that my family and friends would get a kick out of this whole story and the pictures, especially my mother- and father-in-law.

So I log on to Facebook today, and I check my notifications. Several people commented on the picture of Makayla from last night so I started giggling and clicked on it wondering what funny things people said about it. 

And this is what my husband’s aunt said:

“…….hmmmm….prolly gonna piss u off and make u unfriend me or vice versa but if that’s what happens ok we all know your health situation and I’m sure you are working on it so you can live to be a wonderful mama to your babies but giving them cake and loving the pics of them packing the chocolate down???!!!

 

Well, needless to say I got super pissed. I didn’t say what I wanted to say, but I basically let her know that she didn’t need to worry not one little bit about what my kids are eating because contrary to (apparent) popular belief I don’t sit around gobbling down junk food and letting my kids eat it too. In fact, it’s a very rare thing that my kids get junk food! Hell, I even just spent over $200 in groceries just so I could get healthier foods and fruits and vegetables so we could all eat better! 

And for her to say that when she hasn’t even seen my kids since I got married back in November (or even tried to see them much less!) really pisses me off!

Who the hell does she think she is???

She doesn’t know me or my “health situation”! She doesn’t know shit about me, and here she is judging me because of my size and the fact that I didn’t get on to my 14-month-old for taking someone’s piece of cake! I’m sorry, but had her precious granddaughter done something like that she would have laughed her butt off too! 

And for her to insinuate that I’m a bad mom because I’m fat and my kid ate some cake while her daughter was out doing drugs at 14, getting knocked up at 16, smoking while she’s pregnant, having a baby at 17, doing more drugs, having her baby in the house where people are doing drugs, and then getting knocked up AGAIN and not knowing who the father is out of THREE people??? Sorry, but you have no room to tell anyone how to raise a kid, lady, because apparently you didn’t do such a great job yourself! 

Now speaking as someone who has been to countless nutritionists and dietitians and doctors, it is OKAY to have A PIECE of cake every now and then!!! Since my children do not get cake very often at all, I think it’s perfectly fine that she ate a piece. It wasn’t a big piece. And even so, 

WHO CARES!!! 

It was funny!! And anyone NOT trying to be a complete ASSHOLE would find it funny as well! 

Just so everyone knows, I may be morbidly obese, but my kids are in PERFECT health. They are right on track with their height and weight, and they are EXTREMELY active! Always running and playing. My 14-month-old weighs about 23 pounds and my 2 1/2-year-old weighs 30 pounds. They drink lots of milk and juice and eat lots of fruits and lowfat yogurts and healthy snacks. When I can get them to drink water, they do. I don’t allow them to have sodas PERIOD, and they very rarely EVER get junk food. So for her to say that was completely out of line, and I think she was just trying to be an asshole because she had a bad day. Either way, I’m not the one! And I hope now she knows that and will keep her senseless opinions to her damn self from now on.

 

Anyways… that’s my rant for today.

 

I made a cake.

Last night I was craving sweet soooooo badly, and fruits just weren’t doing it. So I made a pineapple upside down cake and cupcakes. I used Heart Smart Bisquick, Truvia Baking Blend (in place of the sugar), Light brown sugar, liquid eggs (in place of an actual egg because it has fewer calories, 0 fat, and 0 cholesterol), and pineapple juice to make it more moist and to add a little extra sweetness to it. And it was really good. It wasn’t too sweet, but it wasn’t bland either. The pineapple juice didn’t overpower it with pineapple flavor. 

The cupcakes were tiny because I only put about a spoonful of batter in each cup (? I guess you’d call them that) and I ate 2 of them (so that probably equaled about one normal-sized cupcake because they really were that small). I wanted to eat the whole thing, and I almost did, but I caught myself. 

I just sat there staring at it wishing I could eat more because I wanted sweet soooo bad, but I didn’t touch any more after that. In fact, I decided it’d be best just to get it out of my house because I didn’t trust myself not to give into temptation. So after my husband and daughters had some I brought them to my mom’s house. Yep. The entire untouched cake and the rest of the cupcakes.

That was a huge leap for me because sweets are my drug. Once I get some I have to have more and more and more. I could seriously sit here and eat an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies by myself (and I have too!) if someone didn’t take them from me. One day I actually sat and ate an entire box of Oatmeal Creme Pies (the BIG ones in the big box of 12) before I even realized it. I didn’t eat anything else that day. Just the delicious pies. And I felt horrible about myself. I hated that I couldn’t be normal and just eat one and leave it at that. And I feel that way EVERY time that happens. So for me to stop after 2 cupcakes and give the rest away is a huuuuugggggeeee deal. And I’m proud of myself. 

Now let’s see if I can keep that up when I go back to my mom’s this evening for a cookout!

It’s been a long day…

I have no idea why my children insist on doing things even though they know they’ll get in trouble. I mean I know my youngest is only 14 months old, but the other one is 2 1/2 and she KNOWS what isn’t allowed, and she still does it! It drives me insane. And I’m trying to clean on top of it all! So I’ve had to just start putting them in their rooms with a movie on, some snacks, a sippy cup, and their toys while I clean just so I can get stuff done without stepping on my kids. Lol.

Then my darling husband comes home and looks around and asks me, “So what you been doing all day?” and maybe I took it the wrong way but it really upset me. I mean the floors were spotless, the counters were spotless, and there were almost no dishes in the sink. The living room was clean and the house smelled wonderful. How could he not tell what I had been doing?? So I snapped at him and said, “What do you mean ‘what have I been doing’??? I been busting my butt cleaning this house all day!!!” I feel bad for snapping at him, but it did hurt my feelings. I don’t know. I’ve been really moody lately. Maybe Aunt Flo will come visit me soon.

Also, is it just me or does anyone else get annoyed when men spend all afternoon playing video games instead of paying attention to their wives/girlfriends/significant others? I mean my husband and I hardly ever have “adult time” anymore (I’m LUCKY if it happens once a week) because he plays his video games or watches TV until he can’t hold his eyes open anymore, and I’m just supposed to sit here and watch. I mean I know I’m not a beauty queen and I’m severely overweight, but I’ve been big our entire relationship and when we were kids, so that shouldn’t be the problem. I even tried to tell him that it would help me lose weight, and he told me that wasn’t the only way I can lose weight, and I told him that it was the best way, and he said that it wasn’t, and I said that it was for me, and he told me that it was not the best way to lose weight. So I just said whatever and left it at that.

I don’t know. I just don’t feel attractive anymore. And to be honest? I’m getting really tired of trying to get my husband to have sex with me. I mean isn’t it supposed to be the woman turning the man down and the man complaining about not getting any? That’s what I was always told anyways. Oh well I guess. Maybe it’ll get better once I lose this weight…

I hope so at least…

Sorry this post turned into a rant about my lack of “adult time” in my marriage, but I just needed to get it out, and since he’s obviously not listening (or just doesn’t care) that only leaves my blog to vent to really…..